Cody is a leader in the young men’s organization at our church. Last night he went to watch a young man play in his playoff football game; I wanted to go really bad. I started to get ready…I threw on a pair of maternity pants (the only pants I owned at the moment). I looked in the mirror thinking that I wouldn’t look too bad, but you couldn’t tell–at all–that I had actually taken a shower that morning and that I had even blow dried my hair. I had spit-up on my shoulder; my hair was knotty and I looked tired despite my makeup. I thought of my morning of making a special effort to shower and get Jane to preschool on time. We had ended up getting to preschool early and then we found out there was not any preschool because it was fall break! Jane started to cry and call out for Mrs. Moe (her teacher). I felt like calling out for her too since I knew that we would be heading home and I would be trying to entertain Jane for the next five hours before her quiet time. Anyways, despite my efforts I looked a wreck and I began wondering how my life had got to this point. I shrugged off my appearance and my disappointment long enough to get me and Maurie bundled for the football game, but then I got a sick feeling and knew that it was going to be better to stay home. I began picturing Maurie crying hysterically to eat, me fumbling around underneath a breastfeeding cover with my nipple shield, Maurie then pooping all over her and me blaming it on Cody because he wanted me to come. I usually like to picture things going more smoothly than that before I commit…I guess I see worst case scenarios right now, just to be safe. So, I stayed home with baby while Cody and Jane went to the game. I watched a movie, felt sorry for myself and then called my sister Holly for some sympathy…she had a baby exactly a week after me. She was home too. =) We discussed that even washing dishes, making dinner and grocery shopping are a break for us and remind us of our old freedom, our old life. So, Saturday afternoon I went clothes shopping, bought a pair of jeans that fit like a dream and went to get a few groceries. I now see more clearly that I do miss a life full of more time and control, more outings, but I can’t bear to think of a life empty of a beautiful gift…my daughters.