As I contemplate another sleepless night and another day of a sick, crying, whining baby, I come to to realize something…having a baby and taking care of a baby is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. Although I have not lived all that long, there is some merit in the fact that this task of motherhood has become my greatest challenge.
Lately, my only solace has been seeing Jane act as though she knows that I love her and have compassion for her not feeling well and a husband who will take turns caring for Jane. Those two things keep my eyelids open and get one foot to follow the other. I am making it sound very hard to raise a child…because it is. However natural it is for me to love and cherish my daughter, it is not natural for me to know how to be selfless 24/7. I had a lot of young single adult years and two full years with my husband before Jane came, and I was accustomed to coming and going as I pleased and for the most part doing the things that I wanted to, when I wanted to. I remember my mom telling me that I had plenty of time to have a family as I was crying and complaining about not being married and later about not being able to get pregnant. Now her words pierce me and for one small selfish moment, I wish I had had a little more time before my angel arrived. There are a few things I miss about being baby-less: getting from point A to point B without packing a diaper bag, putting extra clothing on a baby, putting the baby in the car seat, hearing crying from the backseat, and feeling rushed; sleeping from evening to morning; having a clean house all of the time; getting all my lesson planning and school work done before noon; wearing my small, cute clothes; and spending quality,uninterrupted time with my husband. I am not sure if it is good to dwell on such a list, but I am not ashamed of my new mom status and all the growing pains that accompany this place in life.
The contradictory feelings of having a child baffles me. You are completely in love with this gift from God, with moments of pure joy, but you are frustrated and emotionally, physically and financially drained because of the same gift. There are moments when I want to throw in the towel and call a grandma to take her until I am ready for her again. (As if grandmas have not already done enough mothering =).
All I have to say is…I am not going to give up, and I imagine that if this is the hardest thing that I have ever done, it is also the most rewarding thing I will ever do in my life.
A young, tired, blessed, too honest mother singing off.